but I really want to get it off my chest.
My mother has come and gone again. And like with every other visit, the second we drive away from the airport after having dropped her off, Paul and I both heaved a unified sigh of relief. It makes me really sad that our relationship is so strained. It makes me angry thinking of the turmoil our household goes through whenever she's here; it breaks my heart thinking it would be easier, and possibly healthier, to just cut her out of our lives, but knowing I can't out of guilt because she's my mom and I still love her in spite of it all.
After we got married in Oct of 2004, my mom came to visit us for our very first Christmas. That was the first and last time my mom visited us until Gabby was born. 4 years go by, and then she came for 3 weeks straight right when we had our first baby (*ahem* three very LOOONG weeks, which should have been stressful enough as a new mom, but I was foolish enough to invite my mother into the mix) and that was hard. Then she came again in January, at which point I felt like I really should call it quits with the visits, and now we've just had her again. I just can't tell her that I don't want her here, that she stresses me out, that she wrecks our routine, that she can't see her only grandchild. I've been conditioned from childhood to respond to her guilt trips, and I don't know how to get away from it.
I know that every mother-daughter relationship is difficult, but ours has been especially trying; my parents got divorced when I turned 6, so growing up I was constantly having to choose sides; was I my "mother's princess" or my "daddy's princess"? she would ask me. Why should a child have to decide so young? Children shouldn't have to learn diplomacy at such an early age. Also difficult was the difference in culture - my mom is Korean, but I was born and mostly raised in North America. Also, my mom went back to school after the divorce, so I was home alone a lot, and left to take care of myself, and therefore grew more independent than she wanted; to this day, she treats me like a child, and acts as though I am incapable of functioning without her.
Also, over the last few years, I've discovered that we disagree on practically every subject on the face of the earth. While she was here, I was trying to think of "safe" topics to talk about with her, and I thought about the different books I was reading. It made me really sad that none of them were safe to talk about, because one was political, one was religious, and one was a love story. Each of those subjects are non-safe topics of conversation for us. During the last presidential campaign, my mom was a staunch Obama supporter, and while I don't dislike the guy, it was agonizing having my mom here, because she enjoyed villifying the the other candidates so much, and Paul and I didn't want to offend her by saying anything. With religion, my mother told me when I was 18 that she no longer wanted to have anything to do with our church, and the one time she came with me to church recently was painfully awkward because she was clearly so uncomfortable.
The first Christmas visit when my mom came to visit, she and Paul got along really well. It was fun. They both love math and games and teasing me, so we all had a great time. After that, we didn't really see much of her, and then she got re-married. That's a whole'nother story, but basically I was asked not to come to the wedding because her new husband didn't want me there. And not just me; he didn't want ANYONE there. I am my mother's ONLY family on this entire continent (how's that for a load of responsibility and therefore, guilt?) and I wasn't allowed to be at her wedding. I later found out that he didn't even tell his family (who live in the same city) that he had gotten married until several months later.
Because of my divorced-parent situation, we started our marriage deciding to rotate Christmases; one with Paul's family, one with my Dad's family, and one with my Mom. Repeat. So the first Christmas after my mom remarried, it was her turn for Christmas. We had asked if she and her husband would be willing to come visit us, because we weren't sure if we could afford the trip. John (the new husband) said he wouldn't fly because of his "sinus problems" and so my mom said she would come by herself. Which, of course made me feel bad because it's the guy's first Christmas as a married guy, so Paul and I decided to make the 14-hr drive to visit them. Long story short, John and my mom had all of these plans with his family for Christmas celebrations that we were not invited to, not forewarned about (my dad and his family live only 3 hrs away; we could've gone there for a bit) even after we made the trip to include John. When I said something, it turned into John yelling at me and saying I needed to "grow up" and when I tried to explain my side of the situation, he yelled over top of me saying that I wouldn't "talk to him that way in his house" even though I didn't even raise my voice/name call/be disrespectful in any way. I don't like confrontation - my heart is pounding all over again just retelling this.
Paul and I decided that we wouldn't stay where we clearly weren't welcome, and we left a week early. We have let my mom know that we won't be visiting her again in the future, but that she is "welcome anytime she wants". Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Time and again, my mother has chosen this jerk over her own daughter. When she talks to me, she'll sometimes talk about John, but I always change the subject, because I have nothing good to say about him (I haven't even listed the half of it on here) and I'd rather say nothing at all. And to make it worse, since she’s married him, my mother has become increasingly shallow and judgmental.
When she came to help out with Gabby being born, she was amazing when it came to cooking and cleaning and changing diapers and holding the baby, etc. I know she really just does want to be helpful. I know that she does love me (us) in her own way.
Things became strained with my mother and my husband when my mom voiced the opinion that Paul does not love his daughter right after she was born because he wasn’t constantly wanting to hold her. The truth was, Paul knew that my mom would be leaving soon, and so was trying to let her spend as much time with her only grandchild as possible. Since that comment, it has been difficult for Paul to enjoy my mother's company. To add to the already-existing stress, Paul has been looking for a new job to begin once his parental leave is up, and my mom wouldn't leave him alone about it, basically leaving us with the renewed impression that unless he is making "big bucks" he is not worth anything in her eyes. Also, when telling my mom that I would be doing a trades show right after she left on Friday night, and that Gabby would be staying home with Daddy, her response was something to the effect of "is it safe to leave her with him for so long?!?" Sorry, does she think I married an abusive man? Out of the two of our husbands, which one is the safer person to be around?
This visit and the one in January, we did put our foot down and told my mom that since Gabby’s arrival, we no longer have room in our apartment for her to sleep, and that she needs to get a hotel room. This visit, her hotel room had a king-sized bed in it, and when I complimented her on being able to spread out and hot the blankets all she wants, her response was that she reserved a room with a king-sized bed so that if Paul and I have a fight while she’s here, Gabby and I can come and stay with her. What?!?
My mom is constantly trying to improve me. She always tells me I should go to law school or med school (uh, hello? remember how I'm squeamish and faint for needles???) and when I tell her that I've already finished school and don’t really want to do more, her response is "but you only studied jazz" or "but it was only 2 years". It gets harder when she starts to tell me about all of her friends' kids who are studying abroad, or who are in their 5th year of university, or what-have-you. Basically I'm left with the impression that I've disappointed her horribly because when her friends talk about their children, I'm not brag-worthy. It doesn’t matter that I have a successful marriage, that I am a great mom (yup, patting myself on the back. I really need to today) or that I’ve run a successful music studio before motherhood came along, or that I’ve been successful in everything else I’ve worked at.
I read somewhere recently that your biggest task as a parent is to do a better job than your own parents did; my first thought was "well, that's easy - I just have to keep my marriage intact". My next thought was that I can do even better than that: I can love my children and be proud of them for all of what they do, whether they go to law school or not. I can be a positive and loving mother. I can encourage them to do their best, and not criticize them in an effort to "improve".
In my mom's efforts to improve me, she criticizes my weight, my skin, my home decor, my work, my parenting, my marriage, everything. Nothing is safe. This last visit was especially stressful, because Paul and I have been working on sleep training, and we'd finally gotten it down so that she could be laid down in her crib and she would fall asleep on her own. My mother came for 3 days, and now we can't get her to nap at all unless we nurse her to sleep (she'll stay asleep for 30 mins) or unless we go for a car ride. Today has been really stressful. To be fair, Gabby is also teething, so this may have had something to do with it, but it just seems too coincidental that EVERY time my mother visits, Paul and I have to start over again establishing a routine. Because this is what happened last time.
And as far as the parenting thing goes, nothing is more aggravating than to be doing a good enough job that everybody else says "wow, she is so happy. She is growing so well and healthy. You must be doing a great job" and then to have somebody come into your home for a few days and question your every move. EVERYTHING. "Are you sure that food isn't too hot?" "Is her bath warm enough?" (she turned it up to scalding, and we had to add cold water for it to be safe) "I think she will be cold at night with just that on." "Are you sure that's safe for her to chew on?" "Cheerios have modified corn starch in them. You shouldn't give them to her." and on and on and ON. From how I decorated her room to the toys I let her play with to the way I lay her down to sleep (this is an especially aggravating one; when Gabby was born, my mother would not drop the subject of how she put me to sleep on my side so that my face would be "narrow" and how I should do the same, EVEN THOUGH the doctors and nurses specifically said to put her to sleep on her back to reduce the risk of SIDS. I know there are lots of you out there who let your babies sleep on their tummies/sides/etc, but having gone through a miscarriage, I'm pretty by-the-book about stuff like that, because I don't ever want to have occasion to look back and think "what if". When I told my mom that, she said that doctors are stupid and asked everybody else's opinion (uh, excuse me: WHO is the parent?) from my mother-in-law to the nurse who delivered me about their opinion. Even after they said the same thing I had already told her, she wouldn’t leave it alone. Not manipulative at all. And frustrating, because the ONLY reason this matters to her is because she thinks it will make her granddaughter prettier. Not smarter, not healthier; PRETTIER.
The other really frustrating thing about having my mom come to visit is that she always brings way too many gifts. We’re lucky, because we have so many nice things from her, but we don’t need them! I know I risk sounding like a totally ungrateful brat, but let me explain. Since marrying John, my mother has adopted his philosophy that you should only own “the best”. If it isn’t “the best”, it does not deserve a place in your home. Sorry, but I don’t need to have absolutely “the best” of everything; cutlery is still cutlery, couches are still couches, and truly, their $10,000 couch is really uncomfortable to sit on. So who’s to say what “the best” is? My mother considers herself the final word on that topic, and everything in our home is “junk” and we should “just throw it away”. Sorry, we’re not doing that. Also, our tastes are really different. My mom has finally learned after years and years of buying me clothes that I don’t wear that she shouldn’t buy me clothing as a gift, but she does still always show up at our place with really expensive gifts, and then we feel guilty when after awhile we don’t really want her there, because she’s spent so much on us. And if we decline her gifts she’s offended. So there’s no winning.
I’ve tried talking to my mom about this stuff before. It always ends up with both of us crying, and then feeling temporarily happy with each other, but then it’s the same story again for the next visit. I don’t know what to do. And most importantly, I don't know if I should be encouraging a relationship between my mom and my children - I don't know if she can have a healthy relationship with them - all indications so far have pointed to "no".
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